I thought that if I pushed real hard it would all go away, that if I concentrated a certain amount of energy on it this physical power it would manifest into something that would just incinerate it in a large fury of flames and smoke. So I pressed and pressed for 14 years until it started pushing back, I could no longer tell it to be quiet, or go away, or let me function properly without it sitting in my subconscious whispering to me; without its grimacing smile and dark teeth grinding together in an acme of epicurean thoughts.
I was wrong. The day he got up from his chair I buckled to my knees, I expected him to kick me , to hurt me more, I expected him to lash me with a fire that would sere every inch of my soul, but he didn't. So for awhile I laid there, resting on my knees and palms, just waiting, shaking, crying because of what was, and what I assumed would be. He did nothing, and after a long period of time I looked up at him, his appearance had changed a lot since he had come out of the shadows. He wasn’t as nefariously looking as I though he did before, he was smooth and suave, he was clean and attractive.
He crouched down and caressed my face and with the most sympathetic eyes he spoke to my heart. "I'm sorry for what I am, but if you continue to run from me and push away, I can only hurt you more. I cause you the most tremendous pain, but I do not have to be like this to you. I know it’s hard but embrace me, understand me, it is only then I will help you grow." These sympathetic eyes where showing me the most love I had accepted to realize all of those fourteen years, he hugged me; then began again in my ear.
"I am pain, I can not help who I am, I know you do not like me, but if you are man enough to deal with me, I can be a tool that will help you evolve and grow in life. To perceive is to suffer, and either way you chose to go from here hurt I will still follow; but what can change is the way you analyze me, and the amount of distress I embody. I know no one has really explained life to you, but its not easy at any, I mean any, level." so as he hugged me, arms wrapped completely around my torso as mine were pinned to my side, he lifted me up, and made me open my eyes, he made me realize that with better handle of him, I would leave the condition I was in and become a better person. He made me a man, he taught how to treat others simply by what was done to me, he blueprinted my behavioral pattern, and made my heart present in every decision I made. He raised me.
Till this day I do not treat him as I did before, and I am not reluctant to show him in me to anyone else, because he told me that it was a major way in getting people to understand my plight, and evoke sincerity. Till this day I know that pain is not what will hold me down, but bring me up, push me to preserver, push me to fight. It is for this reason that I dedicate this to the pain I encounter in my life, I dedicate this to the major influence in humanitarianzing my being.
